In the past several years, I’ve continued to take personal inventory. When I’ve slacked off and gotten too comfortable, I’ve relapsed. Praying and meditating on God’s word helps me to stay close to Him.

He has helped me to identify other hurts, habits, and hang-ups to surrender to Him: Fear, food addictions, anger from my recent struggles with chronic illnesses, and post-traumatic stress disorder. In mid-2009, I was diagnosed as having bipolar depression disorder. Looking back on my life, I now understand how my illness has played a part in my mental, emotional, social, and physical health, including my hurts, habits, and hang-ups. All my experiences have helped me accept that it’s okay to get help–from family, friends, counselors, doctors, recovery groups, and yes, even medications.

Through these struggles, God has re-ignited my passion to write. My heart is to comfort hurting people with the comfort God has given me (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). Hence, this web site. He keeps opening doors for me to share my story and experiences with others–face-to-face and through my writing.

In 2009, as I entered my 30s, I longed to get closer to God, to know what He wanted for my life, and to just do it. In my quiet times, I was feeling the need to confess. All I could think of for weeks was the hymn, “Whiter than snow.”

On Sunday, April 5, 2009, I confessed I had done all the “right” things in my Christian life but one. For my 33 years, I struggled with whether I was truly saved. I’ve always been in church. I had gone through seasons of certainty, where I said, “Yep, I’m good.” To seasons of uncertainty, “I’m not so sure.” Every time, I rationalized it away.

On that Sunday, April 5th, I admitted I was not 100% certain I was saved. This troubled me more than ever, especially given all the growth and freedom I had experienced the previous five years. Still, I did not want to continue with this inner restlessness any longer. I wanted to be certain. I wanted to have the assurance and the memory that I had truly accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.

On that Sunday afternoon, I realized that through all my life struggles, I had come to love God so much that it grieved my heart to even consider the possibility that He could look at me at the end of my days and say, “I don’t know you.” That thought alone was enough for me to take the biggest step in my recovery from codependency. I ignored all the self-criticism in those moments and the “What would people say?” Once and for all, I did it. I prayed to receive Jesus as my Lord and Savior–at the age of 33, with one of my dear friends by my side. I am now 100% certain that I will spend eternity with the Lover of my soul.

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